The Stumblebum

A prank to rival all pranks before has been pulled on the entire world.

In the face of all of the troubles plaguing the planet right now, from falling economies to war to some hostages being taken somewhere, the Nobel Prize Committee has decided to bring a little joy and happiness to the humble people of Earth. The crafty bastards of the Committee have said “fuck tradition” and awarded this year’s prize to U.S. President Barack Obama.

The Norwegian Nobel Committee’s deadline for nominations was February 1, just 11 days after Obama’s inauguration, and around 200 nominations were received. Also around that time, Wii Fit was really taking the world by storm, and the Nobel Committee decided that being in shape (and having fun! Oh yes, fun!) was much more important than actually reviewing all of the boring fucks that had been nominated for this year’s Peace Prize. Seriously, name five of ‘em. Neither can I.

Overheard during the eight minute long discussion panel to choose this year’s winner was the following conversation:

“Shit, man. Look at all of these fucking people.”

“Seriously, I have to Google everyone I’ve seen so fa… hey look! Barack Obama! Isn’t that the dude running for President of the U.S.?”

“Hey dildo, he’s been President for 11 days now.”

“Really? Has he done anything cool yet?”

“He’s black.”

“WHAT!?”

“Yep.”

“Fuck it, winner. Let’s go play Wii Fit.”

A man’s life was saved yesterday when he signaled rescuers using Morse code on his HTC Touch Pro phone.

Coz McHibby of Shaggy, Maine was riding his BMX bike through a torrential downfall last night, when suddenly he slid from the road and ended up pinned in a ditch. Mr. McHibby was immobilized by the weight of the bicycle and was unable to cry for help over the sounds of thunder. Desperate, Coz grabbed for his cell phone and attempted to call emergency services.

Coz stated:

“So there I was, bleeding from the elbow, in excruciating pain. I grabbed my phone and attempted to call 911, but since the wind was blowing in a eastern direction, Sprint did not allow me a signal. I tried to text message my wife, but the keyboard on my phone was lagging so bad that I was concerned my battery would die before I could type my location.”

With water slowly filling the ditch, McHibby heroically wrenched and pulled his legs to free himself from the weight of his bike, only to twist his ankle, further compounding the danger.

“It was at this point that I knew I was going to die. I was terrified. I though about my wife, Carla. I hoped that our son, Hibby McHibby, wouldn’t be too devastated. I had all but given up at this point, and then I remembered my Girl Scout leader training program.”

Coz used a program called nueLight to flash a signal into the dark night, hoping beyond hope that someone would see and respond. He began flashing S.O.S. frantically. After nearly 15 minutes of flashing his signal, his phone battery was about to die. Then Mr. McHibby noticed a flash in the darkness.

Rescuer Mike Horn (a local doctor) noticed the flashing in the distance and responded. Mike told us:

“I was out looking for my dog, Mighty Pooch, and out of the corner of my eye I recognized an S.O.S. signal from my years in the Canadian Coast Guard. I responded with my flashlight and the answering party began to lead me to his location through Morse code. It was a pretty dramatic rescue. As I neared the ditch where Mr. McHibby was trapped, he flashed the message ‘bring cheeseburgers’ into the night. Knowing that a full stomach would help immensely in his recovery, I swung by McDonald’s, and almost forgot where he was when I returned. Luckily, the super-bright LED light led me right to his position.”

Heroically, Mr. Horn dove into the ditch, and in an almost inhuman display of strength, removed the damaged BMX from Coz’s scraped legs. Throwing the bike into the street, Mike then helped Mr. McHibby to his feet, and used his own phone (which was not using Sprint, and therefore had a signal) to call 911.

Today, Coz McHibby is recovering at home, being catered to by his son. Hibby McHibby stated that he is just so happy to have his father back, because he is too young to get a job and really wants to get the newest phone as soon as it comes out. He wants to become a programmer when he grows up and dreams of making S.O.S. applications that will be used in all future phones. We went to the beach to find Carla McHibby, who had this to say:

“What’s all the fuss? I didn’t know he was gone. Do you mind? You’re blocking my sun.”

We here at The Stumblebum wish Coz a speedy recovery.

So these four idiot cops in Hollywood, FL were standing around a patrol car discussing how to frame an innocent civilian for an officer involved crash. Standing around the patrol car. Discussing how to frame a civilian. Following me yet? If not, you need to watch more TV. Dash cams. Wonderful little fuckers that bring us hours of joy. Joy from watching drunks, shootouts, crashes, high speed pursuits, and four monkey raping bags of douche discussing how to set a 23 year old chick up and get her locked away for three years. And she’s hot. Assholes.

Anyway, one of the officers rear ended the woman (not in the correct way) on Feb. 17th, and:

Officer Dewey Pressley, 42, wrote the report detailing the midnight crash in the 2800 block of Sheridan Street and recounting that “a large gray stray cat” that had been sitting on Alexandra Gabriela Torrensvilas’ lap jumped out of her car window. That, the officer wrote in his report, caused her to veer into Francisco’s lane, where she abruptly braked, and Francisco’s car hit hers.

Then he arrested her on drunk driving charges and proceeded to gloat and stroke his chin evilly while imagining the pain he just subjected an innocent woman to so that he could get out of a ticket. Good job, officer. I hope that when you get to hell, cats jump out of your lap while you get rear ended (the correct way) repeatedly by police cruiser shaped dildos.

There is a video of the conversation over here… the fucktards won’t allow embedding, but check it out, laugh at the morons, and read the whole story if you’d like.

In today’s “now that’s just freakin’ hilarious” news, according to police a man in Western Australia named Ronald Mitchell ran at them carrying a can of gas and a lighter while undoubtedly screaming gibberish (or obscenities) after sniffing the formerly mentioned can of gas for awhile.

This is not Mr. Mitchell. Actually, I don't think this person is Australian. However, he is on fire.

So they hit him with a Taser. He promptly returned fire by well… catching on fire, forcing one of the arsonists that ignited him to put him out with his bare hands. Mr. Mitchell is now in the hospital in critical condition with third degree burns.

[via: bbc news]

This is one of the most horrific injuries I have seen. Two points I’d like to make though… what is with the babbling wailing moaning shriek shit from the girls? Is that how grief really sounds? Also, what the fuck is wrong with the doctor/nurse/sadist that keeps flopping his grotesquely smashed face around for the camera at the end?

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